It’s honestly really interesting to come back here and read my thoughts and how things have changed since then. It has been a rewarding year so far. I have completed a year of medical school and that with top marks in my year. I really did not fathom that I would be able to do that but I worked hard. It happened. And it was satisfying. As far as uncertainty goes, I feel so much better. Of course there is a different type of uncertainty now but this uncertainty is better. At least I am studying what I have always dreamt of and loved before I had even started it.
I have some ideas for this blog. I want to expand what I write about. I have no idea if I will actually put it into action but I am going to write it down here so if I see this again, maybe I will reignite that motivation and get back to it. Let’s see what happens.
May 20 2019
So. I have been through five months of medical school now. Crazy how fast life changes. A year ago at this time I was studying for my exams, wondering it I would be accepted into med school and here I am now. It has been one heck of a ride. From the 6 months of no school to the uncertainty attached to being accepted, it has been a new experience to say the least. In hindsight, I think I handled those 6 months better than I would have had I been any younger and for that, I’m happy. Seeing growth in terms of controlling my anxious state of mind is always reassuring. Which brings me to my next point. Medical school started and I was extremely excited. I was finally going to be study in the field I have always dreamed of! It was and is still exciting but sometimes i get too in over my head and start getting bogged down by the massive amount of material we have to cover day in day out. But I’ve learned that there are some okays I need to take. It is okay to not study everything down to the detail. It’s okay to have fun even when you have an exam the next day. I wasnt okay with these things before but Im slowing starting to learn that these okays are important for my mental health. If I am going to study medicine for the coming years, I need to treat it like a marathon. And for a marathon you need stamina. And this stamina is not just the number of hours you can study. It is also the time you spend exercising, the time you spend with your friends and the time you spend doing your favourite hobbies. These factors shape my stamina now. It is a long race and I can’t sprint to the finish so I need to pace myself.
In my last post that was almost a year ago (ahaha whoops…I really gave up quickly didn’t I?) I wrote at the end that there was this underlying anxiety that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. Looking back, I now understand what it was. I was worried about where my future was headed. More specifically, my dreams for the future had a lot of uncertainty involved. I felt a little lost as I was doing my work, feeling as if I wasn’t truly working towards what I really wanted. But now, I made a decision that will change my life in virtually all aspects. Its scary thinking about that change but at the same time this decision will let me work directly towards what I really really desire to achieve and that fuels my determination to carry on. So once again, I will have another new beginning.
Also, the certainty of acquiring my dream has distinguished my anxiety in one way. But you know what, anxiety and stress are never going to disappear. Ever. I will always be plagued with it. With this in mind, Ive been working on better coping mechanisms. The more I practice learning how to cope with anxiety, the better I will get. I can’t let my life be dictated by this emotion so I am determined to work past it and still achieve fulfilment and happiness in everyday moments. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t work to have this mindset…sometimes I just want to slip back into being miserable but as long as I overcome it, no matter how long it takes, then I will be okay.
Since my first year in university has started, I’ve felt like I’ve just been making it far enough to the next day. Doing just enough work to make it to tomorrow but it felt like time was running on ahead while I was at a standstill, stuck in my past. I know university is a game changer. I know that it takes time to adjust but I’ve never felt this depressed going through each week as I barely make my daily goals of work. Just remembering those feelings makes something sad bubble up inside of me. But today- today something was a little different. I met two of my goals and I came home, spending some time with my family before hitting the books because I finally felt like I was ahead of the game for a bit. I felt so much better today, better than I have felt since the start of September. I hope that I can continue to be more productive so that I can start the work routine that I had envisioned going into university. I am going to be more patient with myself because it took me 3 weeks to get to this point so to get to my ideal goal, I need patience and perseverance. If anything, this feeling has taught me that I depress myself too easily when I am unable to do everything on my schedule but I need to remember that Uni is different. It is an experience that I’m experiencing for the first time and I need to give it time before I get the hang of it. I still have this underlying anxiety that I don’t really know how to put into words but at least a tiny part of that anxiety has been resolved. Enough for me that I feel like I have something under control.
I lack perseverance. I lack consistency. These two traits are extremely important if I am to succeed in life. I need to pull myself out of this state of laziness and excuses and work hard for what is important. I need to let go of my bad habits. Immediately. I feel myself barely swimming above the water. I can feel myself dipping below, into a depressed state and when I realize that, I become paralyzed by my fear of falling into that abyss.
So I am back within a few minutes to make my first official post.
I have started some new DIY remedies that I want to share. Firstly, I’ve started using green tea as a toner- honestly, I think green tea is a great tea and I know it has a lot of beneficial properties so I’m hoping that using it on my face as a toner will help in rejuvenating and brightening my skin. I’ve only used it twice so far so not much to comment on yet in terms of improvements on my face.
Other than that, I’ve started using coconut in my mouth! I read that it helps with whitening your teeth so I’m really excited to see how far this new method will whiten my teeth! The only downside to this is that you have to swish it around in your mouth for 20 minutes in order to allow the plaque to start breaking down. But its okay, I’m willing to sacrifice 20 minutes!
And that’s about it. I’ll be updating this post probably to track my progression. Fingers-crossed these two will do wonders for me!
So, I am very new to this style of writing (it took me a few moments to choose the helloo! as my intro) but I am excited to develop my own writing style! Also, I want to share my main intentions for why I decided to create a blog. Firstly, I want to have a place where I can keep a record of new things I’m trying for myself (like new face masks or skin exfoliating methods!) because oftentimes, I try them once or twice and fail to commit…So I’m hoping having a place where I track my progress will make me more committed! Other than that, this is going to be my space to write down my thoughts and feelings because let me tell you- I am an anxious individual that tends to blow things out of proportions in my mind when in reality, it was never a big deal to begin with. So yeah. I want to work on that.
Well that is all for now. I am not really sure if I should be addressing someone because I know that no one is reading this. I guess I’ll just stop here.